Why Wet Wipes Drive Me Insane!

August 4, 2017

 

I think we can all agree that wet wipes are for the most part a complete Godsend. I’m not saying they are up there with the wheel, but come on, imagine parent life without them? They are literally the ultimate multi-tasking, cleaner-upper demi-Gods we’ve all called upon to wipe up everything from poop, to drool, to baby barf, to spilt juice and boy pee spray. They’ve helped soak up a million meals that have been hurled at us or on the floor, they’ve tackled cleaning sticky fingers, filthy faces, dirty high chairs, dropped soothers and have often taken all of the above out of mammies hair and clothes when on the go.

 

But as wonderful as these things are, why the hell do they all have to come out of the pack at once when you just want a single wipe?!

 

Why, why, why does something so clever have to be so maddening? Why, when I go for one wipe does the entire bloody pack have to come out with it? It drives me insane! Just completely bat-shit crazy, so much so, that I’ve been known to hurl an entire pack of these infernal things at the nearest wall and let out a trail of expletives so depraved my swear jar runneth over…

 

Last week just took the biscuit though. I was at home with the baby who had some kind of tummy bug, which meant I was going through nappies and wipes like there was no tomorrow. On this particular day, we hadn’t even reached lunchtime yet and I had already had to do a back of the car nappy and 2 outfit changes. It was going to be a long day. Anyway, I got on with it and despite the awful nappies, the baby was in good form. So much so, that we were playing on his play mat having the ‘lols’ when he decided to roll over and I spotted the tell-tale runny poop water seeping out of his nappy. And when I say this was a ‘poonami’, this was one of those really, really epic, up-the-back runny shit storms you dread, because you know it’s going to be hell to clean up and will require yet another outfit change.

 

So there I was, trying to control his octopus-like flailing limbs, as he proceeded to bawl his little face off because of the ‘injustice’ of having to be changed instead of being allowed roll onto his tummy at that exact moment. I had to grapple with the nappy and simultaneously stop him putting his hands in his own poop, as I held his legs in the air with one hand and reached for the wipes with the other, which of course were on the wrong side, so my hands ended up criss-crossing, on top of everything else. I managed to get the top off the pack of wet wipes and grab the top wipe and pull and of course the whole bloody lot came out with it!

 

‘Oh fuck it,’ I shouted.

 

Instead of just one wipe, I was left (yet again!) with a massive clump of wipes that is the very antithesis of the supposed convenient nature of the wipes themselves!

 

Predictably, the dog came running over at the commotion and thought it would be a good idea to run off with the nappy, again! So I was left with a choice. Option A- let go of the baby’s legs and deal with the inevitable aftermath of him rolling over in the poop so I could go and chase the dog, or option B - stay with the baby and let the dog flitter the nappy into a million pieces and clean up the H-Block style dirty protest that would be left all over the front room… honestly, I just wanted to take option C – a large glass of wine!

 

Of course I know there’s plenty of Pinterest hacks with helpful mums putting the wipes in different containers and even going so far as to make their own wet wipes. I’ve even been told ‘oh you should just use water and cotton wool, it’s much better for the baby,’ but much as I love Pinterest and enjoy helpful advice, I’m a stay at home mum who also works from home, so I literally don’t have time to drink a hot cup of tea most days, let alone faff around with supposed wet wipes hacks or feckin’ cotton wool and water!

 

And anyway, is it too much to ask, that when I buy a pack of wet wipes and I go to pull ONE out of the pack, that this is what actually happens? Why should I have to take the whole lot out and put them in a new container? Why can’t they just do what they are supposed to do!?

 

 

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