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  • Niamh

A Letter To My First Born...

My dear little dude…

In couple of weeks, your life is about to change beyond your comprehension and so is mine. I’ve tried to prepare you for the baby in mummys tummy, but I’m not sure you really understand what’s going on…

In a lot of ways, I’m not sure I really comprehend it either… I find it hard to imagine what it’s going to be like to have another child, to have a baby once again. To find a way to split myself in half.

You see, for the last two years and nine months it’s just been you and me, well of course your daddy is here too and let’s not forget your hairy partner in crime Lily… but for most of each day it’s just been you and me.

You and me against the world. You and me playing, you and me going out and about, you and me laughing (and crying!), you and me learning about each other…

We’re in a good place now, you and me. We cuddle, we laugh, we have fun, we have long chats about trains…. I tend to know what it is you want, I know when you’re happy, when you’re sad, when you’re frustrated. What you like right now and what you don’t’ I know all your cues, I lap up all your little idiosyncrasies that make you truly unique. I find myself staring into your blue eyes and I just want to be near you. To hear your laugh, your excited fast toddler speak. I love the feel of your hair, the softness of the soles of your feet, the little hands around my neck, the weight of you in my arms even though my body can’t keep up at the moment. I know what you’re saying when you can’t find the words and when you’re not in the car with me I find myself pointing out all the buses and trains even though you’re not there…

It’s not all plain sailing of course… we have our ups and downs like anyone. There’s tantrums, there’s days when I long for a break, but even on those tough days, the love I feel for you is in my bones… you’ve changed me forever and that is a very good thing.

But we didn’t have the best start you and me…

For some reason I was so very scared of you at the start. How could I have been scared of a beautiful baby, you wonder? You were perfect, so good and gorgeous and yet, I was terrified. I wasn’t myself. What should have been a moment of love was turned on its head as I felt huge terror and fear the moment you were put up on my chest. All I knew in those first few days was panic. Really and truly I was robbed of those hazy early newborn days and weeks and months by that cruel bastard of a thief who swooped in and stripped me of myself.

Post natal depression.

The evil, ugly word that turned me into a scared, lonely shell.

I sometimes wonder what impact that will have on us as we go along on our journey. I hope you were too small to remember, just my little baby in my worried arms…

Slowly but surely I clawed my way out of the darkness with your help. Bonding with you saved me.

The growing love got brighter every day… and now my heart is so full of love for you I wish I could just freeze us in this moment and it be just you and me forever having fun, delighting in the simple things; trains, cars, running, ice cream, toys and cuddles. Nothing is complicated, everything is innocent and our world is small.

Deciding to have a second baby has been huge for me… I’ve had to confront a lot of anxiety and worry in making this decision, to face the potential for going back to that dark place I found myself in before…

But I know that, while this big change will be tough at times for both of us, you’ll hopefully come to be close pals with your new sibling. That’s my greatest wish that you find a closeness, a bond, a relationship with this other person that I hope will last a lifetime, well after I’m gone! Ultimately, you’ll have this person in your life who you’ll care about and vice versa… yes you’ll probably kill each other over toys and God knows what else as you get older, but in the end, I hope you’ll be friends.

I look in the mirror at my huge bump and I can’t believe it’s the end of just you and me little dude… I really want to try and be the best mum I can be… I want to still make you feel like you’ve got all my attention and love, while giving your new sibling the same… it might be hard at times, but I hope you’ll forgive all the mistakes I’m bound to make as I find my feet as a mum of two.

Please never, ever forget how much I love you, you saved my life.

Now, always and forever.

Love Mammy x

#pregnancy #postnataldepression #newborn #support #toddler #love #motherhood

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